I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward. (by Tom Stade)
You’ve heard them before, but they never fail to crack you up, do they?;)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.
And some fresh ones:
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.’ (by Paddy Lennox)
Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you’re going to get it, but it’s going to be rough. (by Adam Hills)
And some charming holiday one-liners:
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What kind of music do elves like best? Wrap music.