These One-Liners Are Cracking Me Up

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your teammates are bad guessers.

If having dogs has taught me anything, it’s how to eat cookies very quietly.

I’m at that age where I’m ready to settle down with strangers from the Internet.

That awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you.

A bunch of my friends are coming over tonight to play on their phones.

If you’re on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”

Of course we can be friends! Just not with each other.

Hi, I’m from the Government. If you think your problems are bad, just wait till you see our solutions.

Favourite pickup line: You’ll do.

Some of the authors of the listed one-liners include @EvilSchwartzie, @TommyKarate, @newfylover1, @funnyoneliners, @Lisa_Laughs_.