Straight Faces

I felt like I really should enlighten you on who Lorelei Gilmore was, as you internet-surfing people are the laziest people around (oh, I should know…), so here it goes – some examples of what she’s like:

Lorelai: Excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it.

See? She’s HILARIOUS. And the most exciting thing about her is that she says that in her normal voice so despite all the crazy exaggeration most people don’t get her jokes. Which is funny in itself. Well, maybe just because this is the way I am too, but mainly because she’s hilarious. Look:

Rory: Salad’s great, Grandma.

Emily: I’m surprised you can eat at this point, even salad.

Rory: There’s still room.

Lorelai: And if there isn’t room, we’ll add on. I know a good contractor.

It’s like no one understands you! You crack a joke and they are all straight faces and not getting it. Like, AT ALL. Some people just need to stop taking themselves and the world around them so damn seriously.

Rory: Can you keep a secret?

Lorelai: Not so far, but hey, there’s a first time for everything.

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Hey, Stoopid

So I’ve been watching way more Suburgatory episodes than I should, and in this one they mentioned The Online Virginity Calculator. I know I am waaay past the age where people should be interested in silly stuff like such a calculator would be, but, hey, I watch Victorious too, so there’s probably no saving for me now.

I googled the thing. It had lots of moralism about safe sex and asked me my age, my country, my ethnicity, age when I lost virginity. I hesitated for some time before I decided to actually give the information they required. I pressed “Send”, and the page that loaded afterwards stated my age, the average age people of my type lose their virginity at, and some moralism on safe sex and procreation.

I was kind of disappointed, but then again – WHAT DID I THINK THEY WERE ABOUT TO TELL ME THAT I DIDN’T KNOW BEFORE? But the difference between now and just ten minutes ago is NOW the Internet has the fucking information I did not want it to have!

And the moralism is KILLING me. It’s like they think I am so dumb, I haven’t heard about safe sex and… Oh, wait. I was the one who used The Online Virginity Calculator, who can blame them for thinking I was a dumb teenager. I think these stupid American TV shows are making me stupid. AND no one gets my humour.

P.S. Kids, TV makes you dumb.

P.P.S. Just like Lorelei Gilmore, I feel like I have to explain every joke I make, so – “Hey, Stoopid” refers to the Alice Cooper song of the same name and disregard this post unless you read it to yourself in a voice of any major sitcom actor OR Natalie Tran.

P.P.P.S. Google Lorelei Gilmore. She’s classic.

Chuck Norris

Come on, you knew this had to happen to this blog at one point. BECAUSE CHUCK NORRIS IS THAT COOL. I mean – when Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris doesn’t feel pain, pain feels Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman lives.

Chuck Norris’ penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

I Suck at Relationships

So here’s a funny thing. There is this hot guy that I like (a lot), but we can’t make it work (for what seems like forever). And it never crossed my mind (up until right now) that I have no clue what I actually want from him.

I mean, technically, I’d like to date. Realistically, all my fantasies about us being together end up in sex, focus on sex, there’s basically hardly anything else but sex in them. But I am not having any sex outside a serious relationship, so there would have to be something else besides sex there, and this is where I got stuck.

Flowers? Definitely, but how many times that can repeat? Hugs? Well, they don’t last forever either and are sex-related anyways. Talk? Well… I am struggling to think in his presence through the thick fog of the sexual attraction, he talks about sex most of the time, and when we do manage to have an intelligent conversation he turns me on because he is so smart and I can’t carry that conversation!

See? It is ALL ABOUT SEX. God, what makes a relationship? Trust. Emotional connection. Oh, I know – we need to spend time together doing stuff (not that stuff). But then again – I feel very strongly about couples not spending too much time together as it kills romance.

Wow. Look at that! I am, obviously, a relationship expert. Ask me some advice, people, this is so going to work out nicely for you (and me).

Facebook Friends

So I am on facebook, browsing, killing time, and I notice a friend of mine liked this post by this spin-doctor who works next door to my office. I take a look at the post and discover it’s part of a series where he comments on posters of politicians participating in the ongoing pre-election campaign.

Now, let me give you some background on the guy. He seems to be at odds with the bosses in my office, but they seem to regard him as a known figure nonetheless. I, myself,  have background in spin-doctoring and never heard about the guy. I mean, I’m not the ultimate expert but I’ve always been suspicious about accomplishments of the guy.

So now, with this series of smart posts I kind of got the urge to add him as a friend – we do work next door, don’t we? We even met (though I’m sure he wouldn’t know who I am). And then I thought about it again – I’ll have to write him a message to let him know who I was. This is where I got stuck.

What would I say? “Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me…” Wait. Something like: “I just met you once, and I work at a place where everyone hates you, and I used to hate you too, but now that you have this awesome series up and I have a spin-doctoring background, I just have to have you as a facebook friend. Because, you know, just subscribing to you in order to follow the series would be, like, too uncool of me”.

Prescription

Okay, now this is awkward. Haven’t posted any ideas here since I didn’t get any. Talk about “a lot of movie directing ideas”. In the meantime I tried vlogging, which is blogging only in a form of a video address to random bored people on the internet. What I discovered was that I suck. I mean, the text is not that bad but the delivery is the worst. So I thought I should just stick to writing.

So here’s a funny story. I went to a doctor today, whom I told what medicine I’ve been taking while self-medicating for the last 24 hours, and I specified that IT DID NOT WORK. She said ok, took a good look at various parts of me, asked a lot of questions, decided I had at least rhinitis and maybe even sinusitis, and then wrote a prescription.

I thank her, walk out of the door, relieved and hoping it’s all gonna be alright now. AND THEN TAKE A LOOK AT MY PRESCRIPTION. GUESS WHAT. SAME MEDICINE. After I told her it didn’t work, she still prescribed me that same damn thing! I mean, it’s not like I’m claiming she’s total nuts (she did prescribe me other medicine too) or that I don’t understand that it might take longer than a day for a medicine to work, but come on.