I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward. (by Tom Stade)
You’ve heard them before, but they never fail to crack you up, do they?;)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.
And some fresh ones:
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.’ (by Paddy Lennox)
Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you’re going to get it, but it’s going to be rough. (by Adam Hills)
And some charming holiday one-liners:
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What kind of music do elves like best? Wrap music.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your teammates are bad guessers.
If having dogs has taught me anything, it’s how to eat cookies very quietly.
I’m at that age where I’m ready to settle down with strangers from the Internet.
That awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you.
A bunch of my friends are coming over tonight to play on their phones.
If you’re on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”
Of course we can be friends! Just not with each other.
Hi, I’m from the Government. If you think your problems are bad, just wait till you see our solutions.
Favourite pickup line: You’ll do.
Some of the authors of the listed one-liners include @EvilSchwartzie, @TommyKarate, @newfylover1, @funnyoneliners, @Lisa_Laughs_.
Just went outside and it’s DELIGHTFUL! It’s been snowing all day. The city is stuck in traffic jams, and everyone is whining, and it’s pretty darn cold, but when I opened the door of my house and saw the night city all covered in a smashingly b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. and thick layer of wondefully white and tender snow…….
Oh my God, I don’t remember loving winter so much! I was running through the snowed-in streets, laughing to myself, singing the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful, because everything ugly and unholy has been covered by that divine snow! It felt like I was at the beach but instead of the burning sun my cheeks were burnt by the cold. And the snow felt like crystal sand – only purer, puffier, and better on all levels!
Yeah, that didn’t last long, you guys. Soon enough I started to feel my cheeks burn way too much for it continuing to be as much fun as when I first stepped out outside. The wind got really chilly and by the time I was on my way home I stopped feeling the cheeks altogether.
I don’t think I actually got frostbite, but frosted cheeks and chin wouldn’t let me stop smiling even after I stopped feeling like it
I mean, any kind of dating is pathetic as a given, but online dating is the fucking queen of pathetic! I’ve just been to this dating website where half the dudes looked like prisons in Ukraine suddenly provided their inmates with internet access and the other half… Wait, I don’t mean to be rude.
Some of the guys on there were actually very nice – you coudl see their inner warmth and humility in their eyes and facial expressions. And some even seemed hot. But there were several (!) people whose profile pictures (!!!) featured them with a black eye! You hear me?? A BLACK EYE. Come on, now. Seriously, you people? Beer bottles, cigarettes, douche faces, drunk faces, but a black eye?.. This cannot be happening.
So I got all desperate and said fuck it, Imma go search for a female date. And you know what? I just think I picked a wrong site to look for a date at. It’s not that the girls were just as bad, but I know there are much better girls out there online, so I just dumped the whole thing.
It’s been two days since I’ve been outside… I mean, this doesn’t sound as dramatic as I intended it to, but my point is I’ve been spending my hours in my small Kyiv apartment, and it gets lonely…
You know how they say house arrest is a terrible thing, and then they show you movies where the main character lives in this huuuge house and has all sort of fun, while locked up there? Well, I’d spend my vacation in that house, people! Get real! Most fun I am having right here is considering watching Home Alone and stealing candy from the for-holidays-only pack.
Thing is, it’s really chilly in Kyiv these days, so you don’t want to go outside unless you really have to. And with the office having turned into an Ice Age prop and everyone working from home, I don’t even have to.
Turns out, there’s a long list of things you don’t have to do when house arrested. Like, wash your hair, or get up from your seat in front of the computer, or dress like your social status is higher of that of a homeless person…
So you know those times when you hate your friend who says you need to get laid? What you usually hate more is the realization they are probably right. When I was reading the news just now, I noticed the headline “Russian cyclists disqualified for erotic images”.
I clicked on it (of course), began scanning the piece, tried to quickly get to the juicy part, but realized there was nothing on the erotic images in the piece at all! It was a bunch of doping ish. This is the part where you wanted to be all cool, like, hey, where are my juicy details on the erotic images of the Russian cyclists??!
You go in ready to shout scandal! at them for disqualifying someone for doing some awesome erotic photo shoots (and hoping to take a peek at them too), but it turns out you read the headline wrong… Yeah, cause I’m smooth like that. The text actually read “Russian cyclists disqualified for ethical reasons.” I know, I know, just drop it now.